When Change isn’t Growth
After 25 years in pastoral ministry and now working as a professional Life Coach, I’ve been gently confronted by a growing awareness: much of our discipleship, while sincere and well-intentioned, can often remain emotionally underdeveloped. We’ve done well in teaching people what to believe and how to behave, yet we’ve not always created space for the deeper journey of inner transformation.
It’s not uncommon to meet deeply devoted believers who can quote scripture, serve wholeheartedly, and live with integrity and yet still struggle with conflict, avoid honest conversations, suppress difficult emotions, or respond defensively. These aren’t just personality traits; they often point to something deeper: a gap in our spiritual formation where emotional maturity has been overlooked. Somewhere along the way, we’ve unintentionally separated emotional health from spiritual growth and that disconnect is shaping the kind of disciples we’re becoming.
The Missing Ingredient in Our Theology
In much of the theology I’ve inherited and observed over the years, there’s been a strong emphasis on right doctrine and right action. This is not wrong in itself as theology should be grounded in truth, and discipleship should shape how we live. But what’s often missing is a practical awareness of how people actually change. Emotional intelligence includes the ability to recognise, understand, and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others, and it’s not often part of theological education or discipleship strategy. Yet it is vital. Without it, we develop what could be described as “thin discipleship” or behaviour without depth, performance without presence.
I’ve sat with people who through years of teaching and preaching know all the right things to say about grace, but struggle to show grace to themselves. I’ve pastored people who serve with great passion, yet burn out because they have no understanding of boundaries or inner capacity. These aren’t just spiritual issues, they are emotional ones. And our theology needs to make room for them.
Change Without Growth
We often assume that change is the same as growth. But they are not interchangeable. It’s entirely possible to change how you act without growing as a person. You can learn to suppress an angry outburst without ever processing the wound beneath it. You can stay married but never deal with the emotional distance in your relationship. You can lead a ministry with great skill and still avoid the inner work of facing your fears or wounds. When we disciple people to act right without helping them explore why they act the way they do, we risk creating Christian communities full of emotionally unhealthy people who look “mature” but are actually just compliant.
In coaching terms, this is the difference between behavioural compliance and transformational change. Compliance is surface-level — it’s doing what’s expected. Transformation is deeper — it involves honesty, vulnerability, and integration of the heart, mind, and soul.
Why This Matters for Discipleship
Discipleship is about becoming more like Jesus and not just in doctrine or duty, but in depth. Jesus was emotionally aware. He wept. He got angry. He withdrew to rest. He felt compassion. He named truth. He welcomed weakness. His way of being was integrated emotionally, spiritually, relationally. If we’re serious about making disciples, we need to help people grow emotionally, not just spiritually. The two are inseparable.
In my coaching work, I see this truth play out all the time. People don’t grow just because they know something, they grow because they experience something: safety, awareness, permission, grace, challenge. They grow through process, not pressure. They change when their emotional world is seen and named and integrated, not when it’s bypassed or dismissed.
Our discipleship models often prioritise obedience over awareness. But without awareness, obedience can become hollow. We might do the right thing, but for all the wrong reasons. We might avoid sin, but from fear and not love. We might follow Jesus, but feel emotionally numb.
Discipling the Whole Person
Emotionally intelligent discipleship means we stop discipling just the mind and behaviour, and start discipling the whole person. It means helping people explore their motivations, wounds, patterns, emotions, and relationships, all within the context of grace and the Spirit’s work. This doesn’t mean turning discipleship into therapy. But it does mean recognising that the Spirit works in the emotional realm just as much as the cognitive one. It means creating space for lament, honesty, confusion, grief, and healing, not just moral instruction or performance.
For example, a young man struggling with pornography might not need just another Bible verse about purity. He may need help understanding his loneliness, shame, or fear of intimacy. A woman overwhelmed in ministry may not need another talk on servant leadership, she may need permission to rest, say no, and reconnect with her sense of identity.
Emotionally intelligent discipleship listens beneath the surface. It slows down enough to notice what’s really going on in a person’s heart. It helps people name their emotions, understand their patterns, and invite Jesus into the messy places, not just the presentable ones.
Change That Becomes Growth
Real growth always involves discomfort, awareness, and intentionality. That’s where coaching and discipleship meet. Coaching gives people space to reflect, to become aware, to take ownership, to move forward and not just in action, but in identity. When discipleship includes emotional intelligence, change is no longer just about doing the right thing. It becomes about becoming the kind of person who naturally desires and embodies what is good, true, and beautiful from the inside out.
That’s growth. That’s transformation. That’s the kind of discipleship that leads to wholeness.
Final Thought
We need a discipleship that doesn’t just teach people how to behave but helps them understand why they behave the way they do, and what the Spirit is inviting them to become.
If we want churches full of people who are not only doctrinally sound and missionally active, but also emotionally grounded and relationally wise, we must bring emotional intelligence into the heart of our theology and practice.
It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity. Without it, we may lead people to change, but we will fail to lead them into growth.
You’ll find the original blog along with others at www.edworthycoaching.com/blog